An Honest Post: My Mental Struggle with 39 weeks

*Note:  It’s 2:30am (can’t sleep – again) and I need an outlet to share my emotions… so, why not blog about it?  I just hope I don’t regret this later!

39 weeks pregnant (and 3 days, but who’s counting?) – technically “full-term” but still days away from my due date.  I should be prepared for the baby to come any day now, but I should also expect that I could continue this pregnancy until 41 or maybe even 42 weeks!

Today is Wednesday, my 3rd day of Maternity Leave without a baby.  I’m still happy with my decision to start my leave a week before my due date.  I’ve felt so miserable and the last two days have been such a struggle, but something still feels so wrong about being home right now.

Yesterday was a day I will probably never forget:  “Freezer Meal Day”

Why not spend a day preparing meals to freeze for Justyn and I to have on hand the first few weeks after the baby is born?  Seems like a great idea to me!

I found some internet recipes, picked out a few different meals to make, wrote down my grocery list and headed to the store.

It was there in the check-out lane when I had my first strong contraction for the day.  Thinking nothing of it (these have been happening for weeks now), I paid the $98.34 for my freezer meal ingredients and waddled my way out to the car.

Once at home, I started unloading the groceries… had another contraction.  I decided to eat something and relax on the couch a bit… still having contractions.  I started timing them:  60-90 seconds long every 20 minutes.  No big deal, right?  Maybe if I started moving around they would go away?

I went to work in the kitchen starting on Freezer Meal #1:  Zesty Hamburger Soup

exps36917_SD1440071D15Mmmm… looks delicious, right?!?!

I’m cutting up vegetables, measuring out ingredients and the contractions are not going away… actually, they’re getting stronger.  I’m stopping every 15 minutes or more to sit down and breath through another one!  At some point, I nervously start thinking “this could be it!”  And lucky for me, I actually have a doctor’s appointment in just a few short hours!  They’ll be able to tell me if I’m really going into labor or not.

As the time for my appointment draws closer, my contractions are getting more serious and I’m really starting to feel uneasy.  I call Justyn at work and tell him to come home – he needs to drive me to my appointment, no way I can do any driving right now!

When we get to the doctor’s office my contractions are 10 minutes apart and I’m in a lot of pain – mostly in my back.  My doctor decides to do an “extra aggressive vaginal exam” in order to hopefully “speed things up a bit” since I’m only dilated 2 cm and 80% effaced.

Before we left, the doctor told me that she was pretty sure I was in early labor and that she would see me again later tonight.  She sent me home and said I should wait until the contractions are 3-5 minutes apart before I go to the hospital.

Long story short, I continued having regular contractions and felt like total crap for the first 2-3 hours once we got home.  But eventually things started to slow down and I completely lost all hope that anything would happen anytime soon.

I cried.  I cried a lot!  I felt so defeated from the day’s events.  I felt stupid for thinking it might be the real thing.  I felt ashamed for calling my husband home from work.

The worst of all of my emotions:  I feel terrible that I’m feeling so sorry for myself.  Come on, Becky… WTF?  I should be nothing but happy and excited.  I’m having a baby!  This is something that Justyn and I have spent so much time talking about and praying for.  We’ve been eagerly looking forward to August 2013 for 9 months now.

Why is it so hard to focus on the positives and not the negatives?  Why don’t I have more patience?  Why can’t I just be thrilled that I’ll finally be meeting my baby soon?

Well, today is a new day.  I don’t know what will happen today, but I’m certainly not holding out any hope that I’ll be going into labor.  I’d like to get some good rest and try to get my thoughts back on the positive track.  If I can at least accomplish those two things, I think I’ll be able to end today with higher spirits than yesterday.


24 comments on “An Honest Post: My Mental Struggle with 39 weeks

  1. I hate that they told you they would see you later that night! Same thing happened to me and it is completely natural to feel let down when it doesn’t happen.
    And don’t feel guilty about cringe upset, it’s very justified! Your body and mind are going through a lot right now and you’re just ready to meet your little man after all these months which is to be expected!
    Hang in there mama and know that you’re almost at the finish line. Xoxo

    • Thanks, Andi. Hearing that the same thing happened to you makes me feel a lot better (not so crazy after-all).

      As soon as my doctor said that she would probably see me later, I wished she wouldn’t have. I just knew that would probably get my hopes up.

  2. Hang in there…………..”This too will pass” is a statement my friends and I used over and over to get through the tough times. God is with you. I love you.

  3. oh sweetie! it’s ok! everything you’re feeling is normal and you’re just ready to be un-pregnant and have that baby boy! It doesn’t make you ungrateful or anything… just READY. maybe tonight 🙂

    and now I feel like I should make food today, instead of lay around on the couch!

  4. Becky, you are experiencing exactly what you should be. I have 5 things to say:
    1. I hope you finished making the soup! 2. Your body is getting you ready for what lies ahead….the sleepless nights, crying, changing 15 diapers a day! and the sheer mental exhaustion of ‘loving’ like you never have before. 3. Just know that your sweet baby has already picked his very own birthday! It will be worth the wait! Trust me. 4. Enjoy this time while the bun is in the oven….. now go straighten that baby room….again! 5. We are so proud of you and Justyn and can’t wait to snuggle that little bundle. Keep us posted! Call if you need me to come finish that soup!

    • Oh, Amy… you’re the best! Thanks for all the words of wisdom and for making me laugh too. I did manage to finish making the soup before we left for the doctor yesterday. Seems silly now that I was so worried about getting that finished. Haha!

  5. Hang in there!! That must have been so frustrating to find out that it was early labor instead of the real thing. Try not to be so hard on yourself…I totally understood why you called your husband home, especially if you weren’t going to be able to drive yourself to the appointment. In a matter of days I am sure the REAL thing will be happening and this will all be in the past. I bet every day feels so long since you are ready to be un-pregnant and meet your baby boy. You are in the home stretch!!

    • Awe… thanks! You’re right, it really was a good thing I called my husband. Actually, before he left this morning he told me not to be afraid to call him again today if I needed to. I didn’t even respond, I just started crying (yes, again). It made me feel better to know that he wasn’t mad at me for yesterday.

  6. So much love to you. I am really glad you shared this because I am writing a post about “knowing if you are in labor” and how for most first time moms you really might not know! When they weeks leading up to labor are full of aches, pains, contractions, and exhaustion how would a first time mom be able to know what is real and what is not? Also, I know for certain that that “false labor” yesterday was not pointless. Those were contractions that are helping to loosen and prepare your cervix and muscles for the real thing. It definitely was progress! Our bodies are doing so much each day to prepare for “labor day”. Your body is telling you it is almost ready!!!! I am so proud of you. You have been nothing but so positive, healthy, and amazing through this pregnancy. You have every right to be disappointed. You are just anxious to have your sweet little man here! xoxoxoxo
    He is coming soon!

    • Oh good, I’m really looking forward to reading your post! I sure wish it was easier to tell when it’s real labor or not.

      Thanks for all the kind comments, you definitely know all the right things to say to make me feel better! You’re right, the contractions weren’t pointless (even though it felt like it last night)… I’m just that much more prepared now for when the real thing happens.

  7. He’ll be here in no time! I was 2cm 60% effaced 7 hours before Bennett was born. =) Meals are an amazing idea, I wish I had some on hand right now!

    • Fingers are still crossed – come on baby! I wasn’t able to finish up all of my planned meals yesterday… but, since I didn’t go into labor last night, I was able cook everything this morning and get it into the freezer! 🙂

  8. Hang in there! Some good news is I often hear our bodies and emotions go through some of the more intense symptoms right before we go into labor. So it shouldn’t be too much longer. I think we all have a day now and then were we just feel defeated, pregnant or not its a fair feeling to have when our bodies are tired and things arent going as planned. I think you should take the rest of this time to really relax, and do just as you feel led. That way you dont feel like you gave yourself this huge to do list that you cant tackle.
    Hope you have an easy labor and delivery when the time comes 🙂

  9. Don’t get discouraged. Remember, he will show up when he’s ready but I completely understand all the negative thoughts. I’m sure that was really hard to have those contractions and not have a baby yet, but I bet it’s in the next day or so! I’m praying for you and a safe delivery and healthy baby.

  10. Becky comeon you are way to hard on yourself. Any mom has been there done that the time will be very soon when you get behind on sleep everything seems a little worse. When you get your son home ou will get less sleep than you do now. Body is getting you prepared But Mosther hood is the greatest gift from God. Love you and Justyn and can’t wait for the great news.

  11. Girl – I can totally relate! I have been as hormonal as the first trimester and so up and down in the last week or so.

    It’s the hardest thing knowing it could be tonight OR in 2 weeks!
    Hang in there mama and he will be here so soon! And yes, totally call your husband anytime (no shame there) you are 9 months pregnant and if that doesn’t justify a “come home now” phone call I don’t know what does. 😉

    Can’t wait to check your blog again and see the little one! I have a feeling it will be very soon for you (and hopefully me)


    (I love that we have the same due date btw!)

  12. SO… I hope you actually did go into labor last night and have that little man. Thinking about ya!

  13. It is hard, and that is ok. Hormones are raging, your tired and you hurt. Give yourself a break. I don’t remember the 2-3 days before Apple was here very clearly but they were full of moments like these, but I remember the morning she arrived clearly. Don’t worry about this day (or days) you will be ok and you will forget them later 😉

  14. Hang in there, love. I’m thinking of you!!

  15. I’m hoping that from a lack of a bumpdate post this morning that maybe you already had your little guy! Hope you are doing well. Can’t wait to hear the news once there is news to hear of!

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