*Note: It’s 2:30am (can’t sleep – again) and I need an outlet to share my emotions… so, why not blog about it? I just hope I don’t regret this later!
39 weeks pregnant (and 3 days, but who’s counting?) – technically “full-term” but still days away from my due date. I should be prepared for the baby to come any day now, but I should also expect that I could continue this pregnancy until 41 or maybe even 42 weeks!
Today is Wednesday, my 3rd day of Maternity Leave without a baby. I’m still happy with my decision to start my leave a week before my due date. I’ve felt so miserable and the last two days have been such a struggle, but something still feels so wrong about being home right now.
Yesterday was a day I will probably never forget: “Freezer Meal Day”
Why not spend a day preparing meals to freeze for Justyn and I to have on hand the first few weeks after the baby is born? Seems like a great idea to me!
I found some internet recipes, picked out a few different meals to make, wrote down my grocery list and headed to the store.
It was there in the check-out lane when I had my first strong contraction for the day. Thinking nothing of it (these have been happening for weeks now), I paid the $98.34 for my freezer meal ingredients and waddled my way out to the car.
Once at home, I started unloading the groceries… had another contraction. I decided to eat something and relax on the couch a bit… still having contractions. I started timing them: 60-90 seconds long every 20 minutes. No big deal, right? Maybe if I started moving around they would go away?
I went to work in the kitchen starting on Freezer Meal #1: Zesty Hamburger Soup
I’m cutting up vegetables, measuring out ingredients and the contractions are not going away… actually, they’re getting stronger. I’m stopping every 15 minutes or more to sit down and breath through another one! At some point, I nervously start thinking “this could be it!” And lucky for me, I actually have a doctor’s appointment in just a few short hours! They’ll be able to tell me if I’m really going into labor or not.
As the time for my appointment draws closer, my contractions are getting more serious and I’m really starting to feel uneasy. I call Justyn at work and tell him to come home – he needs to drive me to my appointment, no way I can do any driving right now!
When we get to the doctor’s office my contractions are 10 minutes apart and I’m in a lot of pain – mostly in my back. My doctor decides to do an “extra aggressive vaginal exam” in order to hopefully “speed things up a bit” since I’m only dilated 2 cm and 80% effaced.
Before we left, the doctor told me that she was pretty sure I was in early labor and that she would see me again later tonight. She sent me home and said I should wait until the contractions are 3-5 minutes apart before I go to the hospital.
Long story short, I continued having regular contractions and felt like total crap for the first 2-3 hours once we got home. But eventually things started to slow down and I completely lost all hope that anything would happen anytime soon.
I cried. I cried a lot! I felt so defeated from the day’s events. I felt stupid for thinking it might be the real thing. I felt ashamed for calling my husband home from work.
The worst of all of my emotions: I feel terrible that I’m feeling so sorry for myself. Come on, Becky… WTF? I should be nothing but happy and excited. I’m having a baby! This is something that Justyn and I have spent so much time talking about and praying for. We’ve been eagerly looking forward to August 2013 for 9 months now.
Why is it so hard to focus on the positives and not the negatives? Why don’t I have more patience? Why can’t I just be thrilled that I’ll finally be meeting my baby soon?
Well, today is a new day. I don’t know what will happen today, but I’m certainly not holding out any hope that I’ll be going into labor. I’d like to get some good rest and try to get my thoughts back on the positive track. If I can at least accomplish those two things, I think I’ll be able to end today with higher spirits than yesterday.